I couldn't work, I never left my house unless I was forced, relationships with my friends and family were strained and I was isolating myself from the world. I didn't want to care about anyone and I didn't want anyone to care about me. I was willing to give up custody of my kids and was putting my affairs in order to end my life. Then I heard about TMS and this was, in my mind, my last option.
,Five days a week I came into the office and did the treatments. It took about 45 minutes total out of my day. There were days during the first few weeks of treatments I would actually laugh at how silly it all seemed. The treatments were painless and other than the occasional slight there were no side effects.
Four weeks into treatments, my boyfriend managed to convince me to go for a scenic drive in the woods and that's when I first noticed anything different. I remember looking out the window, thinking about how much I wanted to go home, when a bright green color caught my eye. I blinked a few times to clear my vision thinking I must be seeing things and when I looked again I could see the trees. The bright green was actually new moss growing on the trees and as I sat and stared at the trees like I'd never seen one before, I felt a little bit of peace inside. I was amazed at the tiny details of these trees and couldn't believe I'd never noticed it before. The next day I went in for a treatment still thinking about the trees but I couldn't connect my new view of the forest to the TMS. I mentioned, as a side note, to the staff in the office about my odd experience and they immediately got excited for me and suggested the TMS was working.
As I continued treatments, I noticed something new and different about the world around me every day. The haze had been lifted and the hypothetical blinders had come off. I started to do more things without hesitation. I left my house to go out and have fun with my kids and my boyfriend and I was able to slowly get back into work. I felt needed, useful, loved, and for the first time in a years I could honestly tell my treatment team and my family I felt happy.
After I completed my 6 weeks of treatments, things didn't go back to the way they were. I've continued to be happy even with most of the same life stress still there (finances, kids, relationships, work, etc.). I'm able to use the support I have to help me through life instead of blocking everyone out and ruminating on the negative things. I've been able to work on my other mental health issues and am starting to really understand how much depression can effect anxiety, PTSD, and even ADHD. I'm able to make a distinction between real problems and those I blew up in my head with my own catastrophic thinking. My kids have said they are "glad mommy's not sick anymore" and my boyfriend told me he "has his girlfriend back" which brings tears to my eyes, tears of happiness of course. I'm not focused on the past as much and when my mind starts to drift down that long dark path, I'm able to stop myself, redirect, talk to someone and use those coping skills I've been taught over the years. I feel more confident, relaxed, and I have hope for my future (something I don't remember feeling before). I am determined to keep things headed in the right direction and I believe in myself now. TMS saved my life. I don't think I will ever be able to thank my treatment team at Winds of Change and Aleph enough for guiding me, not pushing me, towards this life changing treatment.
Prior to starting my first TMS treatment on Tuesday, September 17, 2013, I had been severely depressed for over two months. Within a week and after 5 treatments, I began feeling better. I was uncertain if the TMS treatment were the primary reason for my dramatic change; it could have been that I was cycling out of depression, similar to numerous times in the past. My positive mood could also be the result of taking both Cymbalta and Abilify for a few weeks. A week later my mood continued to improve and I score dramatically higher on the second mood inventory taken after 15 TMS treatments. Consequently, I infer that the TMS treatment were, indeed, the primary reason for my improved mood. My mood remains stable today, October 23, 2013 as I approach treatment 26 of the total 30 planned. Time will tell if the TMS treatments offer long lasting relief from severe depression, so far they have been helpful. Based on my experience with TMS, I would recommend the treatment to others.